The Hook and Lateral

It appears that new Knicks President, Donnie Walsh, is not as convinced as Isiah Thomas is that the Knicks are headed in the right direction and well question Thomas regarding the lack of success recently in the organization.

“You can say I have an open mind as far as any conversation I’m going to have,” Walsh said. “I still don’t think we’ve played well, there’s a lot of things I want to talk about. So it’s not totally open. It’s not like I’m going in saying, ‘Well, this has all been great, so what do you want to talk about?’”

This is probably how the conversation will go between Walsh and The Smiling Assassin:

Walsh: How are you, Mr. Thomas? A lot has happened since you and I were together in Indianapolis.

Thomas: Yeah, that white prick, Larry Bird, got rid of me. He would be just another “good guy” if he was black. What a pain in the ass. I mean, c’mon, who wouldn’t be satisfied with a 48-34 record in his 3rd year?

Walsh: Well, I guess I would be somewhat satisfied if you went 48-34 next year in your third year with the Knicks after this year’s debacle. I mean, it’d be better than 23-56.

Thomas: Damn right, it would! We’re making progress here, Donnie. Real. Progress.

Walsh: I don’t know if a 23-56 record, a sexual harassment case, huge salary cap problems, and a team full of non-team players is what I would call progress.

Thomas: What are you trying to say, Donnie? Are you trying to say that I haven’t been doing my job?

Walsh: I didn’t really say that. The league’s commissioner, every other owner in the NBA, Hall of Famers, and every sports journalist in the U.S. has said that, Mr. Thomas.

Thomas: Bitch, don’t listen to them!

Walsh: Mr. Thomas, I’m a white man, not a black woman. Quite frankly, I’m a little offended by that statement. Ok, let’s get back to talking about this season. What exactly went wrong?

Thomas: Well, we couldn’t score more points than the other team did. It really wasn’t my fault. It was Stephon Marbury’s fault. He’s not a team player.

Walsh: I agree that he’s not a team player, but why did you give him starter’s minutes in the game that he was supposed to be punished in?

Thomas: Listen, Donnie. Star’s got some dirt on me. I’m not going to lie. I had to start him. He said it himself that he had “all kinds of shit” on me. You know what he was going to say, Donnie?

Walsh: No, Mr. Thomas, I don’t know.

Thomas: Well, Donnie, he was going to tell the world that I was a shitty coach. Can you believe that slander? I tried to convince him not to go to the press with it, but he said that he was going to if he didn’t get to play starter’s minutes in that game. So, you see, Donnie, I had to play him. Everyone talking about how bad of a coach I am would have just compounded the team’s problems even more than before.

Walsh: Um, ok. Moving on. What exactly possessed you to obtain Eddy Curry from the Bulls. I mean, he kinda sucks, and the draft pick you gave away ended up being Joakim Noah who’s going to be infinitely better than Curry.

Thomas: C’mon, Donnie. How can you deny a 350-lb, 6′ 11″ center? He can clog the lanes. Have you seen him play defense, Donnie?

Walsh: Honestly, Mr. Thomas, no I have not. That’s one of the problems.

Thomas: Well, I have to respectfully disagree with you there. We have been making evident progress on the defensive side, and I stand by my statement that I will leave this organization in championship status.

Walsh: I’m not really sure that’s going to happen, Mr. Thomas. I don’t really have enough time to wait around and get every lottery pick for the next 10 years and then trade them away for Chris Webber. I think we’re going to have to part ways with you after this year. It’s just not working out.

Thomas: We’re making progress, Donnie. I’m telling you. Give me 10 years, and I will have for you Mr. Chris Webber.

Walsh: You know what. Just go ahead and pack up your office and head out of here. My retarded pet chimpanzee has been looking for a job, and he’s pretty good at throwing shit around. I think he would definitely be an upgrade as an interim coach.

Thomas: Oh, ok. Can I at least keep my #1 Coach mug?

Walsh: Where the hell did you get that?

Thomas: Well, actually, David Lee sent it up this morning for your retarded pet chimpanzee.

Walsh: Just leave.